names are formalities

2005-08-23T00:07:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the bastards (that would be none of you) that E-mailed me on National E-mail Justin Day. I'll keep blogging but you all have to watch this video in its entirety as punishment. Bitchs'. link

2005-08-23T00:04:00.000-07:00

I Hate This Kid.

2005-08-14T23:35:00.000-07:00

Well I Hope You All Marked Your Calendars

Yes, it's that day again. National (and International, because I'm world renowned, bitches') E-mail Justin Day. That's right today's the day you get to e-mail me, about anything; how much you love me, or hate me, how unfunny you think I am, how you wish I would just crawl in a hole and die, or even about how you think I'm just dead sexy. To make things interesting, I must receive at least 5 emails today or I will... NEVER BLOG AGIAN! (dum, dummm, dummmm). So email me at
Justin@batabix.com

2005-08-05T21:27:00.000-07:00

Review- "Cleopatra 2525"

Synopsis- An exotic dancer, cryogenically frozen in the year 2001, is accidentally thawed out in 2525 by two female warriors who are fighting against evil robots, which have taken over the world. The three join forces and try to escape the underground caverns to which humanity has been banished, meeting up with all sorts of strange creatures along the way.

The sad thing is that this show isn't even an excuse for a soft-core porn to be shown on late night premium cable TV. It was syndicated and there for featured no nudity, what so ever. Even sadder is that Sam Ramie had a part in this.

This show was made for guys who can't sleep at night and are tired of yanking it to re-runs of American Gladiators and She-ra.

Rating: - 8 stars (when I think of this show I think of a board meeting, a dart, a spinning wheel, and room full of under fed, over worked monkeys with pens.)

2005-08-03T12:38:00.000-07:00

I'm going to pimp my ride. When I get done it will look something like this and be able to transform in to a robot.

2005-08-02T20:20:00.000-07:00

Random Picture of Jessica Alba Running on Beach

This is to make up for not posting anything in a while.

2005-07-21T20:03:00.000-07:00

Lifetime Movie Help.

So, I said I would do a lifetime movie review weekly, but I can't find anything better then a movie about a syphilis outbreak. If anyone has any suggestion of movie to review let me know.

2005-07-21T19:58:00.000-07:00

Will the Real Peter Griffin Pease Stand Up.

2005-07-21T19:43:00.000-07:00

Complaint Letter to Linksys.

Linksys,
thanks for the 6 hours of time I have wasted in the past two days on the phone with your tech support. I have nothing agianst India, but man, linksys, you must hate america.
There would not have been a problem at all if you supported apple. Of course, we all know how much fun it is to be Bill Gate's corporate whore.
Change these things or I will eat all you're employees' babies,

-justin

P.S. The router works great! much better than my netgear router!

2005-07-15T10:26:00.000-07:00

A Birthday Card For the People.

2005-07-14T15:18:00.000-07:00

I Got a Birthday Card

2005-07-11T22:00:00.000-07:00

How To Eat at Any Restaurant For $0.37 and How it's Even Cheaper to Eat Babies.

So, my friend Chase tipped me off on this complaint letter generator, which, for the price of a stamp, will allow anyone to receive coupons from customer pleasing restaurants. Of course, I don't recommend this; this tactic is reserved for the biggest of assholes (and the poor, who really shouldn't have access to a private computer with internet access and a printer because that would make them not poor). I prefer to use this tool to send letters to real threats:

My original goal for this letter was to scrutinize March of Dimes's remarks point by fastidious point. Unfortunately, March of Dimes's focus wanders so wildly that it never actually finishes any of its points. I think you will notice this in the ensuing discussion. Before I start, however, I should state that to understand what March of Dimes's particularly infantile form of vigilantism has encompassed as a movement and as a system of rule, we have to look at its historical context and development as a form of stubborn politics that first arose in early twentieth-century Europe in response to rapid social upheaval, the devastation of World War I, and the Bolshevik Revolution. To be honest, March of Dimes's maudlin, kissy-pooh, feel-good, touchy-feely initiatives are actually quite addlepated when you look at them a bit closer. That's pretty transparent. What's not so transparent is the answer to the following question: What happened to March of Dimes's common sense? A clue might be that from secret-handshake societies meeting at "the usual place" to back-door admissions committees, March of Dimes's attendants have always found a way to address what is, in the end, a nonexistent problem. March of Dimes wants to snooker people of every stripe into believing that people don't mind having their communities turned into war zones. You know what groups have historically wanted to do the same thing? Fascists and Nazis.

March of Dimes may have access to weapons of mass destruction. Then again, I consider it to be a weapon of mass destruction itself. Moreover, March of Dimes likes to cite poll results that "prove" that arriving at a true state of comprehension is too difficult and/or time-consuming. Really? Have you ever been contacted by one of its pollsters? Chances are good that you never have been contacted and never will be. Otherwise, the polls would show that it is legitimate to have misgivings about reckless spongers who muster enough force to bamboozle people into believing that every word that leaves March of Dimes's mouth is teeming with useful information. Let me try to explain what I mean by that in a single sentence: March of Dimes coins polysyllabic neologisms to make its antics sound like they're actually important. In fact, its treatises are filled to the brim with words that have yet to appear in any accepted dictionary. One final point: March of Dimes is as insane as the sky is blue.

2005-07-11T07:47:00.000-07:00

Support UnicornHospital

a Modern Medical Drama featuring unicorns

Link

2005-07-09T09:52:00.000-07:00

She's too Young

A syphilis outbreak rocks an upscale suburban high school in this made-for-cable movie. Freshman Hannah Vogul (Alexis Dziena) does everything her loving parents (Marcia Gay Harden and Gary Hudson) want: excels at music, makes good grades, and always tells the truth. That all changes when Hannah falls for the attentions of campus stud Nick Hartman (Mike Erwin). Supremely confident, the boy successfully pressures her to fellate him on their second date, then unsuccessfully invites her to an orgy for their third. Soon Dawn (Miriam McDonald), one of Nick's countless other conquests, confesses that she's contracted syphilis, which sets off an investigation by horrified public-health officials. When Hannah turns out to be one of dozens of infected students, her mother joins the crusade to bring their parents together and confront the underaged partying and casual sex that have led their children to this predicament. But with Hannah's self-esteem rocked by Nick's rejection and the ostracism of her peers, it may be too late to save her. She's Too Young premiered in February 2004 on the Lifetime cable network. -- Brian J. Dillard

Quotes:
Becca White: It's just sex... It's just something we do with boys, like dancing.

Becca White: this is it for me, Monday I'm off to prison
Dawn Gensler: you know I wouldn't mind getting away from here
Becca White: yeah?
Dawn Gensler: starting over, pretend I'm a virgin... born again virgin
Becca White: that would be whack, huh?
Dawn Gensler: become a theatre geek, join the spanish club, do community service
Becca White: be like 7th grade all over again

Lauren James: but you keep doing it anyway?
Becca White: yeah, I'm the most popular girl in 9th grade
___________________
Steve Condore: You coming to the syphilis orgy tonight, Becca?
Becca White: I-I don't know.
Steve Condore: Come on, everyone's doing it! You will never be cool if you can't D.V.D.A.
Becca White: I know, but...
Steve Condore: What do I have do I have to do, drug you, besides everyone will be there, even Gary the gimp, and Eric is bringing his erotic gnome collection.
Becca White: That sounds like fun, but...
Steve Condore: Listen, if you come i'll let you use the bathroom on my chest.
Becca White: One and two?
Steve Condore: yes, one and two.
Becca White: O.K! It's a deal. Just promise to punch me in the back of the head as some point.

(okay, last one; not real)

Rating:

-10 stars (Lifetime paid an illiterate high school janitor to write a script. Jerry Bruckheimer was to direct but then passed saying it was to crappy for him. Not even people's heads exploding after they are told they have syphilis could save this movie.)

2005-07-08T13:04:00.000-07:00

Lifetime movie of the week

Every week, lets say Friday, from now on I will post a Lifetime Movie synopsis and rating. I'll use a 4 star system (one star being bad, four being a must see), of course since we will be reviewing Lifetime movies all movies will be given negative stars (-1 star for mindless dribble to -4 stars meaning the screenplay was penned by retarded monkeys). Using this ranking system it is possible to exceed -4 because Lifetime movies are known to be infinitesimally bad. In these cases the stars will be quantified like so:

-14 stars (directed by a tribe of African Bushmen who where given the directing and producing contracts immediately after being discovered by the civilized world. written by L . Ron Hubbard. In the Bushmen's defense they signed the contract with fecal matter after mistaking a ballpoint pen for an evil mechanical god who rains black (or blue) death upon all those who touch it.)

tonight we will be reviewing "She's too Young"

2005-07-07T21:09:00.000-07:00

I've broken down and given in; I'm on myspace now. If anyone would like to be my digital friend you can do so by clicking here
I promise I won't kick, spit, drug and subsequently molest you like I do my real friends.

2005-07-07T08:54:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have made hobo porn in the past and wasted precious time coming up with a marketable title while you could be peddling your filth; here is a hobo porno name generator.

link

2005-07-05T21:27:00.000-07:00

this picture sums up my 4th. sorry to the parking deck attendent that had to clean up my vomit (also to April and our friends that had to watch me do it for 30 minutes).

2005-07-03T22:38:00.000-07:00

One of my passions in life is to create hard ass names for rock bands that will never exist; this is a pleasure derived mostly from being in crap bands with crapy names that do exist. While I may never be in a good band i can at least take pleasure in knowing my band's name kicks ass- fat, bulbous, ass.
It was last week sometime when I stumbled upon the greatest name for a heavy metal band- ever. Something that would top all other names that came before it: Iron Fist, Kill Me Quick, Rick & the Anal Destructors. Something that I sadly knew I could never top; a death metal band named 'Full Blown AIDS' (or 'Full Blown AIDS (MF)' if for some reason copywriten.)
Their music would sound something like Dio but harder, and would occasionally make people's heads explode. The lead singer would come out on stage before the first song, when the drummer was doing random rolls and the guitarist was playing spontaneous power chords, and say things in a high pitch squeal like "you're infected! There is no cure for us! Are you ready to DIE!"
Then you would hear three clicks of drumsticks being smashed together, followed by the head of the person next to you exploding. Your ears would be consumed by an unfathomable noise, and when you stumble out of the concert coliseum- you will know that your life will never be the same because your anus will never be rocked that hard ever again.

Sorry to offend,
cody blades

2005-07-02T14:44:00.000-07:00

so- blogging- this is fun. I post, you read, hopefully laugh, and I feel self gratifed, like i'm some how not wasting my time. my plans are to not make this an egotastic blog, if I ever say some thing like "god I can't believe she broke up with me, i mean i'm a nice guy, right?" please repond with something like "no justin, you're an asshole, we hate you and hope you die" and immedatly find out where I live, knock on my door and subsequently punch me in my face when I answer the door (the same goes if I ever post a poem). Anyways, this will be about me mocking current events and pop culture as well as sharing funny stories and ideas from my diseased mind and qwarky life.
-justin