How To Eat at Any Restaurant For $0.37 and How it's Even Cheaper to Eat Babies.

So, my friend Chase tipped me off on this complaint letter generator, which, for the price of a stamp, will allow anyone to receive coupons from customer pleasing restaurants. Of course, I don't recommend this; this tactic is reserved for the biggest of assholes (and the poor, who really shouldn't have access to a private computer with internet access and a printer because that would make them not poor). I prefer to use this tool to send letters to real threats:

My original goal for this letter was to scrutinize March of Dimes's remarks point by fastidious point. Unfortunately, March of Dimes's focus wanders so wildly that it never actually finishes any of its points. I think you will notice this in the ensuing discussion. Before I start, however, I should state that to understand what March of Dimes's particularly infantile form of vigilantism has encompassed as a movement and as a system of rule, we have to look at its historical context and development as a form of stubborn politics that first arose in early twentieth-century Europe in response to rapid social upheaval, the devastation of World War I, and the Bolshevik Revolution. To be honest, March of Dimes's maudlin, kissy-pooh, feel-good, touchy-feely initiatives are actually quite addlepated when you look at them a bit closer. That's pretty transparent. What's not so transparent is the answer to the following question: What happened to March of Dimes's common sense? A clue might be that from secret-handshake societies meeting at "the usual place" to back-door admissions committees, March of Dimes's attendants have always found a way to address what is, in the end, a nonexistent problem. March of Dimes wants to snooker people of every stripe into believing that people don't mind having their communities turned into war zones. You know what groups have historically wanted to do the same thing? Fascists and Nazis.

March of Dimes may have access to weapons of mass destruction. Then again, I consider it to be a weapon of mass destruction itself. Moreover, March of Dimes likes to cite poll results that "prove" that arriving at a true state of comprehension is too difficult and/or time-consuming. Really? Have you ever been contacted by one of its pollsters? Chances are good that you never have been contacted and never will be. Otherwise, the polls would show that it is legitimate to have misgivings about reckless spongers who muster enough force to bamboozle people into believing that every word that leaves March of Dimes's mouth is teeming with useful information. Let me try to explain what I mean by that in a single sentence: March of Dimes coins polysyllabic neologisms to make its antics sound like they're actually important. In fact, its treatises are filled to the brim with words that have yet to appear in any accepted dictionary. One final point: March of Dimes is as insane as the sky is blue.